In a world of increasingly loud and divisive voices of people, organizations, and governments, too few of us are truly listening well enough to really understand each other. As the Swiss psychologist Paul Tournier once said, “Listen to all the conversations of our world, between nations as well as between individuals. They are, for the most part, dialogues of the deaf.” Yet even when we do desire to listen deeply to each other, we often lack the skills and attitudes needed to bridge expanding chasms of belief, facts, and purposes that lie between us.
This week, to strengthen our peacemaking skills, we are focusing on three critical skills for preparing to interact with others: listening, perspective taking, and empathizing.
Defining terms
Listening implies that we focus our attention on what others are trying to communicate to us, both verbally and nonverbally. Regarding listening, Paul Tournier explained:
“In order to really understand, we need to listen, not reply. We need to listen long and attentively. In order to help anybody to open [her] heart we have to give [her] time, asking only a few questions, as carefully as possible in order to help [her] better explain [her] experience.”
We listen primarily for the following three reasons:
Listening critically: to determine the truth, validity, accuracy, or usefulness of information
Listening empathically: for the emotional content of the message and responding appropriately.
Listening appreciatively: for enjoyment (i.e., music and other media).
Each of these reasons for listening helps us connect with others and meet human needs and wants.
With perspective taking, we expand beyond our own point of view and consider how someone else may think about something.
Going deeper, when we experience and express empathy, we not only try to understand but also share the feelings of another person.
These three skills not only require tactical training, but also demand the best of both our minds AND hearts. In short, we cannot fake the elements of real listening, taking the perspective of another person, or empathizing with the feelings of someone who may be quite different from us.
How do listening, perspective taking, and empathizing relate to peacemaking?
When applied even to those with whom we disagree, listening, perspective taking, and empathizing have the power to dramatically change human relationships. When we use these skills effectively, we have power to persuade people to change when other more drastic, aggressive, or competitive actions fail because they don’t address the other person’s fundamental needs to be heard and understood. Regarding power for change, psychologist Dr. Carl Rogers taught the following:
“This kind of sensitive, active listening is exceedingly rare in our lives. We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”
As you gain greater ability to listen, take the perspective of someone else, and empathize with their feelings, you will gain the ability to be much more influential in creating the conditions for peace. When people feel understood, they are much more open to change and to move in collaborative directions.
Week 3 exercise
In our Thursday GROW, we will explore the following topics:
The main purposes of listening
Levels of listening
Six components of listening
Common obstacles to listening
Listening skills to take the perspective of another person
Specific ways to express empathy
To begin this week’s journey, we encourage you to try out this listening assessment below and share your results if you’re comfortable!
(Your results are limited on Psychology Today, but if you’d like to take basically the same test and receive your full results, you will need to complete more survey questions with another option here.)
Learning more
Ready to learn more about peacemaking? Check out the Practical Peacemaking course in the MWEG Portal!
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